Do Not Drink and Vworp

Madman's Note: I can neither confirm nor deny the account related in the following report submitted by The Collector.

Incident at Vanishing Point – January 1st, we think.

I am fond of the New Year celebrations on Earth. It seems that the vast majority of humans set aside or outright forgets all of their problems on December 31st and party like maniacs to usher in the New Year. These parties are quite a bit of fun. Of course, this part of the story you know, since you were with us when House Patrexe descended upon an Earth Night Club.

The part of the story that you do not know, because you had other business to attend to (seriously, who attends to business on New Year’s Eve?) has several parts.

In our defense, we had no idea that they would escape.

So, Madman, after you left for business, I had an idea. Initially, I was only joking, but, then it turned into an actual thing. If you will recall earlier in the evening you had been talking about Tribbles. After whatever number drink I had finished, honestly by then counting didn’t really matter and Ned can pilot himself if need be, I said to Ambassador Morr, “We should Tee Pee Vanishing point!” She thought it a fantastic idea and we began to plan.

I’d like to remind you, that at this point, Morr was the sober one.

I stumbled back to Ned, with Morr following close behind to take a picture and laugh in the event I fell on my ass. I steadfastly remained upright, as I know how much you dislike seeing us on page six of the New Gallifrey Gazette.

As the doors closed on Ned, I had a better idea. Tribbles! And I knew precisely where to get one or six trillion, really, it’s not hard to find them. I thought one would do nicely. So, I picked up the container with one snow white tribble and to Vanishing Point we went.

This is the point where I forgot something…well, important.

I honestly, since this cannot be repeated often enough, did not think they would escape.

I should go back a few days to explain. I received a message from Dolpar Kethenick on Srukelan stating that he had some cargo that was in need of secure transport to any planet but Srukelan. He explained that they’d been overrun by amorous Amazon Zombies. I know what you’re thinking, how in the name of all that is salty did Amazon Zombies get to Srukelan all the way from Phenelax? I asked the same thing when I arrived and the only response I received from Dolpar was a shrug and a look of pure guilt.

Fortunately for Dolpar and then entire male population of Srukelan, I had the perfect bait for amorous Amazon Zombies. Years ago, I stumbled upon a hapless human that had been trapped in a crystal prison. I’ve spent time, off and on, trying to find a way to get him out. He’s quite handsome, but likely insane after being trapped all these years in Crystal. So I wheeled him out of Ned and used him as bait for the Zombies.  It took a couple of days, but we finally corralled all of the Zombies into my holding area.

I forgot they were in there.

Honestly, I really did not think they would escape.

So, Ambassador Morr and I headed to your office with the Tribble and a healthy variety of adult beverages.

We were drinking and watching the Tribble bounce around your office like a kitten hopped up on caffeine pills and catnip when we heard a clawing at the door.

At this point, I learned something new. If you leave amorous Amazon Zombies alone with a tentacle beast, they can and will procreate.

A thing, the likes of which I have never seen on any planet in any time, with tentacles for hands, a humanoid body and a face comprised solely of a mouth that would frighten even the most sadistic dentist opened the door and took our Absinthe.

This is the point, where I remembered that I was carrying Zombies around in Ned.

I really, REALLY did not think that they would escape.

I bolted from your office and ran back to Ned. Dismay is…well, not really strong enough to describe my reaction to what I found. Chr’Goth was smoking a cigarette, there were three amorous Amazon Zombies and roughly fifty full grown offspring milling about the holding area. The other eighty-five zombies and however many offspring were nowhere to be found.

We went back to Vanishing Point to conduct a full search and round up our escapees.

This is what we found. 

How they found the bar, how they got the human male in there, where they found the Moose Head are all mysteries to us.  

We think that maybe some sterilization of the vending areas would be a good idea. 

I don’t know if these guys were with us, but they seemed to be having a good time. 

After we found this...we gave up and headed back to your office to drink.

This is when we discovered that Tribbles should never, ever be left unattended. 

There were…several more than when we left, but LOOK AT THEM, they were having so much fun and they were so adorable so we just had to let them play!

Morr and I continued to work through the assortment of alcohol related products as the Zombies, Zombie Offspring, Tribbles and Funky Skeletons got down and dirty. Honestly, sir, it was a party you would have appreciated.

Several hours later, things got a little fuzzy. 

I don’t really know what happened after that, and Morr won’t talk. All I really know for sure is that I woke up to this…

Not to worry, I’ve arranged for a containment unit to round up all of the strays.

A few lessons were learned, chief among them is never to forget you’re carrying amorous Amazon Zombies in your TARDIS.

One additional thing or minor concern, I do seem to be short one juvenile tentacle monster. If you happen to hear odd noises coming from the pipes on Vanishing point, please let me know.

I will be running from any retribution you feel the need to mete out.

Respectfully,

The Collector